56 days since Mom passed away. I can't go into details, I can still barely say it out loud, but my therapist encouraged me to do some things that make me feel good. I've been avoiding blogging for a few reasons. One, I was discouraged. I don't know how to make my page look good, how to make it fun, how to make it look like I want...I'm just not computer savy..and really who is reading this? Anyone? Are you out there?? Two, I don't know what to say. I don't want to cry. I don't want to post pictures, I don't.. can't be happy. I don't want to remember, or go back, but yet I can't go forward..
Who knows if this will help. If it will help me, help you? I don't know. But I'm just going to give it a go...I'm watching football with my husband, it's one of our favorite things to do together, but I can't sit still. All I think about is my Mom. She is every other thought I have, she was someone I wasn't supposed to grieve for until I was older.
My therapist today looked at me with such sorrow in her eyes. I asked her if I was always going to be that girl now that people look at and think "wow, she's that girl that lost a parent, that had something tragic happen to her." She said no, but I don't believe her. I feel like I lost my spark. I've just been faking it really since July 11...
The crash is happening. For 56 days I have held it together, but I fear I am starting to lose it.
I know I just need time...I know, I know, I know, I know...
Hi Elena: Just wanted you to know that you do have readers. You need to give yourself time, and feel whatever you feel. I lost my dad to cancer 17 years ago when I was 20. I can tell you that you learn to live with the grief and the pain, and that it will get better. But there is no timetable, and you'll think you are doing better and have a setback. I miss my dad every day, but eventually I found a way to live with it. Because the one thing I can tell you for sure is that time goes on, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteAlso, my cube is next to your mom's office and I think of her every day. We miss her, and we're here, if and when you're ready to be around your McGraw-Hill family.
Take care, Michelle
Hi Elena, I also wanted to let you know that your blog has been very inspirational to me from the beginning, giving voice to thoughts and emotions I have had during my family and friends' varied cancer situations and I have kept inside. So I thank you for that. I felt disbelief, numbness, discontent, and other feelings I just couldn't name. It's been 5 years for my sister, and 18 months since my mom was suddenly taken from a heart attack--I miss them every day and still find myself thinking of things I want to tell them. I don't know if that ever goes away, but family, friends, colleagues, and time do get you through the rough places and the good places. Memories will crop up unexpectedly and some will hit you hard and others will be very comforting and even make us smile.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Sue