Peace of Mind...

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Have you ever finally sat down after going going and going for like weeks...and said to yourself...

"oh my gosh, what just happened!?"

It finally hit me this week. Maybe even last week, but it came out this week. 

Every weekend this month has been booked.  Now, let me say, every single weekend I've had something to do, but that something to do has been fabulous and fun things that I've wanted to do!

But between working and the weekends, I haven't had a chance to breath!

I went from my "busy" being all about Mom, to my "busy" being all about well...everything else!

That's when it hit me.  I'm going out of town this weekend, this month's finale, and I realized 

I haven't seen Mom since the beginning of the month, and now I'll be gone for another weekend!

And oh how the guilt set in.  And I find myself in tears at work, falling apart.

Everyone I talk to, including my Mom tells me the same thing.

"Mom is doing great, she is going to be fine!"

"It's a good thing you haven't seen her, that means she's doing well right?"

"You've put your life on hold for over a year, its okay, you deserve to have a get away!"

and the list goes on....

So why, WHY do I put myself through this?

What am I so scared of?

Why do I always so feel bad, or guilty?

When it comes to my Mom, I don't ever want her to feel lonely, or sad, or bored, or afraid, or alone.

I feel like I'm the one that has to make sure all of those things don't happen. 

I have to learn, am learning that it's not my job to take care of her in this way.

She even tells me herself that I don't have to worry, but I just do. I can't seem to help it.

So for the past few days I have spent time working through the guilt.

I've had to mentally stop myself and tell myself (and believe it!) that I am not doing anything wrong.

I'm hoping that someday, I can find the freedom to not worry so much, and to find a healthy way to care for my loved ones.....and care for myself. 

I know that I will forever worry about her disease, but I can not make her life my own.  I have to live my life in the best way possible. And that means letting go a bit. It doesn't make me a bad person...or a bad daughter, or wife, or sister, or friend....And that is what I have to remember.

Happy Day To You!

Wishing you peace of mind and heart!