Absence



Yes, somedays I have to choose to be happy regardless of the situation I'm in!  And if I happen to get a french fry along the way, then good for me!
Click HERE  to buy this poster!

Happy Thursday!

I apologize again for my lack of posts...life has been crazy lately and it's hard keeping up!

I've been struggling lately on where to go moving forward in the blog world...

I have so much to share, but I'm not gonna lie...I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to "go there" you know...

Getting things off my chest always helps, but do I really need to put myself back in the past?

My therapist supports me by saying, "No, you don't!" As much as I do listen to her, there some things I can't ignore.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on where my life is now and there are some things I need to for sure go back and deal with.

One of those things is dealing with the absence of one of my parents.

(Okay, so I guess I'm just going to jump right in!)

My father, is not a part of my life right now. Hasn't been for over a year. This is by far not the first time we have gone months, even full years without speaking.

I don't know why, I can't explain it. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why I'm "loved less" this year than the year before.  Maybe I'm not, but it sure feels like it. 

I've lived most of my life managing a relationship with my father and not truly having a 2 sided, fair relationship with him.

If I do this, will he be mad? If I don't do this will I be punished? What if I don't call enough? Or fill him in enough? Or include him enough? 

This past year was the hardest year of my life, yet I have been punished for something that I can't even explain.
My whole life I have been trying to figure it all out.  My whole life I have felt guilty, and sad, and angry, and confused, and hurt..and now, when life has literally proven to be not in my control, I have to face the fact that my father for whatever reason, doesn't seem to think I'm good enough to take part in his life.
I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I can say.
Should I be sorry? Should I take back all of the times I forgave him for the words he said to me, for the pain he caused me?  Should I feel guilty for taking care of my Mom and having to leave our relationship in his hands? Should I be sorry that all I asked for in the last 12 months was for him to step up and maybe take care of me?
Why at the end of the day, have I been punished for being by my Mom's side during what could have been the last year of her life?

I don't know if I will ever get these answers...
I also don't know if we will ever have a "normal" relationship..
I do know that I owe it to myself to stand up for me, and do what's right by me.
It doesn't make me less sad, or miss him any less, but it gives me peace of mind knowing that I have not only done all I could but that it is out of my hands.
I know I am a good person, and a good daughter and maybe in the future we will be able to laugh together again and share stories, and make memories..
Until then, I have to choose to live my life to it's fullest,
and never, ever aplogize for it.