Peace of Mind...

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Have you ever finally sat down after going going and going for like weeks...and said to yourself...

"oh my gosh, what just happened!?"

It finally hit me this week. Maybe even last week, but it came out this week. 

Every weekend this month has been booked.  Now, let me say, every single weekend I've had something to do, but that something to do has been fabulous and fun things that I've wanted to do!

But between working and the weekends, I haven't had a chance to breath!

I went from my "busy" being all about Mom, to my "busy" being all about well...everything else!

That's when it hit me.  I'm going out of town this weekend, this month's finale, and I realized 

I haven't seen Mom since the beginning of the month, and now I'll be gone for another weekend!

And oh how the guilt set in.  And I find myself in tears at work, falling apart.

Everyone I talk to, including my Mom tells me the same thing.

"Mom is doing great, she is going to be fine!"

"It's a good thing you haven't seen her, that means she's doing well right?"

"You've put your life on hold for over a year, its okay, you deserve to have a get away!"

and the list goes on....

So why, WHY do I put myself through this?

What am I so scared of?

Why do I always so feel bad, or guilty?

When it comes to my Mom, I don't ever want her to feel lonely, or sad, or bored, or afraid, or alone.

I feel like I'm the one that has to make sure all of those things don't happen. 

I have to learn, am learning that it's not my job to take care of her in this way.

She even tells me herself that I don't have to worry, but I just do. I can't seem to help it.

So for the past few days I have spent time working through the guilt.

I've had to mentally stop myself and tell myself (and believe it!) that I am not doing anything wrong.

I'm hoping that someday, I can find the freedom to not worry so much, and to find a healthy way to care for my loved ones.....and care for myself. 

I know that I will forever worry about her disease, but I can not make her life my own.  I have to live my life in the best way possible. And that means letting go a bit. It doesn't make me a bad person...or a bad daughter, or wife, or sister, or friend....And that is what I have to remember.

Happy Day To You!

Wishing you peace of mind and heart!

$400 Closer To The Goal!

TEAM JESSIE GOOD CELLS has raised $400 so far!  

With your help we can reach our team goal of $1,000!  

Check out our Team Page to make a donation, join Team JGC, or honor someone you know or love with their own Luminaria!  

We are relaying to spread the word, to walk with survivors, and fighters, and taking a stand against Cancer!  We can't do it alone!  Join us in the fight!  

Announcements!

Announcements!  Announcements!

Many things are happening in the land of Soaring With Faith and I wanted to share them all with you! 

First things first!

Relay For Life Team Jessie Good Cells!!

We are Team Jessie Good Cells! 

Jessie Good Cells has been Mom's "team" nickname since practically diagnosis day!  We thought it was perfectly fitting for her!  So, Team Jessie Good Cells will be Relaying on June 29th, 2012!

Relay for Life is an over-night relay style event where each team camps out around a track while members of each team taking turns lapping the track! This goes on for the whole duration of the event!

There will be a Survivors Lap.  Mom will be joining this inspiring journey around the track with others who have fought the battle, or who may even be still fighting!

After dark, a Luminaria Ceremony is held to "honor people who have been touched by Cancer and to remember loved ones lost to the disease." Candles are lit inside bags filled with sand, with each bag bearing the name of the person touched by Cancer.  A silent candlelit lap around the track will be made to honor each individual.

Lastly, there will be a Fight Back Ceremony.

At this time, we will make a personal commitment to take save lives by taking up the fight against Cancer.

So, now the big question! How can YOU take part of this magical event! 

CLICK HERE!!! to view Team Jessie Good Cells' Event Page!

On our team page, you can do 1 of 3 things.

1.JOIN OUR TEAM!!! 

Come and relay with us!

 Raise $ for the cause and fight the fight right along w/us!

2. MAKE A DONATION!!

Every dollar counts!  Every single cent we raise goes directly to the American Cancer Society!

3. HONOR A LOVED ONE WITH A LUMINARIA!!!

Make a donation to honor a loved one or someone you know that has been affected by Cancer.

Each luminaria represents the fight won or lost because of this disease, and I will be there to walk for them, to stand up for them and to honor them.

This is my first time ever taking part (also as Team Captain nonetheless...no pressure right!) in Relay for Life.  I'm not sure what to expect, I'm not sure the best way to go about raising money or spreading the word (I'm not super social media savy to be honest with you), but I do know that I'm going to give it my all!  If my Mom can fight through every single medical challenge that was put in front of her, I know I can overcome my shyness, and step out of my comfort zone and do this!!  I don't have a lot of money to donate myself, but I can donate my time, I can donate my energy, and I can donate the strength needed to put in the many many laps around the track!

So please, if you can, make a donation, join our team, or honor a loved one with a luminaria!

We can do this together!  I know it!

Announcement Number TWO!

This coming Saturday I will be guest blogging over on Miss Heather's blog;

 Brown Eyed Bell(e)!

Heather is hosting on her blog this month MAYspiration!

During MAYspiration Heather is spending the entire month motivating and inspiring others to be the change WE wish to see in the world! 

So on Saturday, check me out!  Visit Heather on Brown Eyed Bell(e) and see what I have to say for MAYspiration! 

In the meantime, see who else out there has guest blogged to inspire and motivate! 

Become a follower on both our blogs to stay updated!  It's easy to sign up!

Or, just keep checking in on us to see what we are up to! 

I hope you have a wonderful and glorious day! 

  

Relay For Life!



Image provided by The American Cancer Society

 

One of the reasons I started this blog was to document and share the journey of not only being a Cancer Caregiver, but to also advocate for Cancer patients, survivors, and caregivers. The second part of this journey is figuring out what my calling is for a future career in advocating for the cause!

So here is my starting point!

I'm creating a Relay For Life Team!

I've never organized a team for an event like this, let alone been in charge of raising money, so I'm nervous to say the least! However, I am excited about this event and I'm ready for the experience! 

I'll be posting along the way the steps I take in creating the Team, fundraising, and then the event itself!  If you have ever done Relay For Life, or have ever been a part of a Fundraising event like this one please feel free to leave me tips and advice! I'm welcome to hearing it all!

Happy Day!

Relay For Life!!

Happy Mothers Day!

This is me today. I'm putting it all out there. 

I'm just done and I need a break. 

It's Mothers Day today and it's glorious outside!  You couldn't ask for a better day! 

However, I'm not with my Mom today. I'm at home, sick and exhausted. Utterly exhausted. 

I'm pretty sure I have worked myself sick. 

I got home this morning, and cried....and cried...and cried some more.

How can I NOT be with my Mom today? How can I tell her I can't follow through with our plans? 

Forget that I'm sick, forget that I haven't been home in days...I don't want to disappoint her..

so how do I get through the day? 

I of course know the answers to all of these questions. 

Of course Mom, or January, or Nana, or anyone else isn't going to be disappointed in me.

I just can't give myself a break. I'm not good at taking care of myself, and not good at not being so hard on me all the time. 

This is a hard lesson. And it's one I am constantly working on. 

I am so blessed to have the best family and the best of friends to remind me I do need a break, and that it's okay to not be there for everyone all the time. 

I need to be the one telling myself these things. I'll get there someday...I'll get there...

I need to be strong for me too and not feel bad about it. 

Mothers Day last year was spent in the hospital with Mom....Now she is home, and healthy, doing better than ever. Since that day last year, I have fully come to realize that I am deserving of days like today. We all are. We all deserve to take care of ourselves, even if that means sacrificing a bit of time with our loved ones. 

I know my Mom understands. I know she isn't disappointed in me. Maybe it took this Cancer journey for me to realize that I'm not a disappointment to her...but I still need to be reminded of that sometimes...someday I won't need the reminders and I'll give myself a break a little easier!

Whether or not you are a Mom, you in some way have taken care of someone or something and have given someone else inspiration and love. So take the day off and celebrate you! 

You deserve a break!

Happy Mothers Day! 

Keep Trying

I, like so many other people out there in the world are fighting the want/need for a healthy lifestyle.

I am 30 years old, and I have still not convinced myself that the way my body looks right this moment is good enough.  I'm the classic "say everything negative about my body and never anything good" girl. I just started coming around to the idea that I indeed don't have to be perfect.  Shocking!  I don't have to perfect.  I never will be, and what's perfect anyways?  No one can say right?

So I have to create my own perfect. 

Easier said than done however.

I go back and forth everyday. Somedays I feel great about myself, other days, I couldn't feel worse...

I go through spurts of working out, eating healthy, making good choices, and feeling motivated...

The days I can't stay on track, I feel guilty and sad, and disapointed in myself....

I can never let myself win!  I can never give myself a break from anything! 

My gym shoes just sit there staring at me, waiting for me to put them on and JUST DO IT!

I strive hard to be an active person, I don't know if I will ever consider myself a fully physically active person, but I'm trying!

Since January 1st of this year I decided that it was time to truly begin taking care of myself.

To put Mom's medical needs aside when I could, to let everyone else take care of themselves....and give myself the time I needed for me. 

I still struggle with putting myself first. I'm still struggling with not having met my ultimate goal....

But then I talk to my husband, he tells me things like this:

You have to be happy about the small goals you reach all the time...

With everything...You'll always be striving for something in life and thats good to do but if you think about

it as 1 huge goal to reach you will always be disappointed and never feel like you've done anything along the way...

I think you've reached huged goals and are 100x more advanced than the person you used to be...

You may not be at your weight goal but are a fit person now and eat pretty healthy.

You know how to speak up for yourself and aren't afraid to do it.

You are always trying new things and learning new avenues to do things

Those are just some of them! And those are pretty big changes if you think back to a few years ago!

 Well how can I not be motivated after hearing that! My dear husband you are amazing, and I thank you. For all of you struggling out there, read these words and hold them close to your heart. We have to make small goals, and then celebrate them when we achieve them. We have to remember we will always be working towards something, and to be proud of ourselves for at least trying. Be proud of trying new things, even if they don't work out.

What are your stuggles? How are you overcoming them? What are your fitness goals? What do you need/use to stay motivated?

Each day we get to wake up having the freedom to make our own choices. Some days are harder than others to make the best of choices, but at the end of the day, we indeed don't have to put ourselves down for not reaching our goals.

There's always tomorrow, there's always another day, there will always be another goal.

So be proud of yourself, pat yourself on the back and give yourself a break! 
Your human, and we aren't perfect, but at least we are trying!

Diagnosis Day

May 4, 2011

Today is the 1 year anniversary of Mom’s diagnosis.  I actually can’t believe we’ve made it a year. I am beginning to forget some of the details of the past year and actually starting to live a “normal” life again.

Looking back, I realize I not only have to remember the hard times, but also celebrate the good that came with it. So here goes! 

1. It brought my Mom and I so much closer

2. My relationship with Aunt January became stronger

3. I found a strength in myself that I never new existed

4. I found the faith to believe in hope when all was lost

5. I found the confidence to let my voice be heard

6. I grew up a little more

7. I felt the good in people’s hearts, the love in their prayers, and the strength in their hopes

8. I recognized just how important it is to take care of myself – 

physically, mentally, & emotionally

9. My Mom’s illness just may have guided me to finding what my purpose in this world is

10. I've learned to embrace each moment of this life I was given, and cherish and

 appreciate even more each and every person that is a part of my life

11. I have truly witnessed the power of prayer

12. I've realized that I have to slow down a bit and let the little things go

13. My passion for life has changed, and I choose to embrace it now having 

faith that I can indeed overcome the worst and celebrate the glory in each moment

 

    

Today is my starting line. Today is the day we get to say, we are survivors.  A year ago today, I couldn’t say that I was truly living. Today I can. Today I can say that I am stronger person, with a deeper soul and that I am ready to take on whatever comes my way. I have the faith that I will find the answers, and be able to help others find theirs.

I’m going to enjoy the sunshine today, and the smiles that come my way. I’m going to hug my Mom and tell her how blessed I am to have her in my life.

My wish for you today is that you can take pleasure in the small things, to embrace each moment and recognize the love that surrounds you!  I wish for you to have strength and peace in whatever you are fighting for, and to know that you are not alone.  

May 4, 2012

Absence



Yes, somedays I have to choose to be happy regardless of the situation I'm in!  And if I happen to get a french fry along the way, then good for me!
Click HERE  to buy this poster!

Happy Thursday!

I apologize again for my lack of posts...life has been crazy lately and it's hard keeping up!

I've been struggling lately on where to go moving forward in the blog world...

I have so much to share, but I'm not gonna lie...I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to "go there" you know...

Getting things off my chest always helps, but do I really need to put myself back in the past?

My therapist supports me by saying, "No, you don't!" As much as I do listen to her, there some things I can't ignore.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on where my life is now and there are some things I need to for sure go back and deal with.

One of those things is dealing with the absence of one of my parents.

(Okay, so I guess I'm just going to jump right in!)

My father, is not a part of my life right now. Hasn't been for over a year. This is by far not the first time we have gone months, even full years without speaking.

I don't know why, I can't explain it. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why I'm "loved less" this year than the year before.  Maybe I'm not, but it sure feels like it. 

I've lived most of my life managing a relationship with my father and not truly having a 2 sided, fair relationship with him.

If I do this, will he be mad? If I don't do this will I be punished? What if I don't call enough? Or fill him in enough? Or include him enough? 

This past year was the hardest year of my life, yet I have been punished for something that I can't even explain.
My whole life I have been trying to figure it all out.  My whole life I have felt guilty, and sad, and angry, and confused, and hurt..and now, when life has literally proven to be not in my control, I have to face the fact that my father for whatever reason, doesn't seem to think I'm good enough to take part in his life.
I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I can say.
Should I be sorry? Should I take back all of the times I forgave him for the words he said to me, for the pain he caused me?  Should I feel guilty for taking care of my Mom and having to leave our relationship in his hands? Should I be sorry that all I asked for in the last 12 months was for him to step up and maybe take care of me?
Why at the end of the day, have I been punished for being by my Mom's side during what could have been the last year of her life?

I don't know if I will ever get these answers...
I also don't know if we will ever have a "normal" relationship..
I do know that I owe it to myself to stand up for me, and do what's right by me.
It doesn't make me less sad, or miss him any less, but it gives me peace of mind knowing that I have not only done all I could but that it is out of my hands.
I know I am a good person, and a good daughter and maybe in the future we will be able to laugh together again and share stories, and make memories..
Until then, I have to choose to live my life to it's fullest,
and never, ever aplogize for it.