Holding On

So I'm needing to apologize for my lack of posts lately.

I guess I can say I've been in a writing rut.

I had spring break last week, and it was one of the best weeks I have had in eleven months.

Eleven months.

Eleven months ago today since diagnosis.

i just have to pause for a minute. 

I think part of the writing rut comes from the fact that for the first time in eleven months things are good.

Like really good.  And I haven't wanted to go back to the place where things weren't good.

I don't want to go back to the feelings of hopelessness, and sadness, and anxiety, and stress, and worry, and guilt, and loneliness, and helplessness, and pain, and frustration.

I don't want to remember spending hours alone in the car sitting in traffic going back and  forth from the hospital and being jealous and resentful that no one else in my life can possibly understand what I'm going through, or living through the motions of what my life is like everday....I don't want to go back to the feelings of guilt I had for even feeling that way.

I don't want to go back to the days of not knowing how to help Mom, and not knowing what to say to make it better.  Or witnessing her frustration with not feeling good every single minute of every day..and not knowing what was going to happen next.

I don't want to go back to the many heartbreaking conversations between January and I about how to help Mom live her best life when the nightmare is over.

I don't want to go back to the life of having lost control of my own life because I have to be the strong one and pick up the pieces in everyone else's life....

Please universe let me stay right here where we all are now...

Let Mom stay strong and continue to make progress in living her best life.

Let life continue to fall into a place of normalcy.

Please let us all continue to find the shine within us!!!