Happy Monday! I hope you had a fabulous weekend!
I wanted to start off today by telling you how excited I am right now! Tonight, my Mom, at her home, made dinner for herself and my brother! She made tuna noodle casserole! Let me just say, that this is the first time in 10 months she has fully cooked a meal for herself! It may seem like a small task, but for her, it's a really big deal! She is finding her independence again and it is heavenly to witness!
Looking back 10 months ago, it seems so far away. I guess I should be more specific. The events of what happened each day since diagnosis seem far away, but the emotions are still pretty fresh. I find myself thinking all the time about the emotional roller-coaster I've been on. I can say that the roller coaster has slowed, but it is still fresh, it is still all there. Officially Mom was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. With ALL, comes chemotherapy, and eventually down the road a bone marrow transplant.
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| This was the first picture Mom and I took after diagnosis. |
At this point we had still decided not to do any of our own "medical research" on anything Cancer diagnosis related. I think even if I wanted to sit down and and look up all the new information I was learning, I wouldn't have been able to stomach it. We wrote everything down though. We asked question after question after question. Because of the seriousness of ALL, the docs had to move fast. Chemo began right away, and day by day, minute by minute we lived in the fear of not knowing if it was going to work enough or not.
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| Image Via Pinterest |
I still think about the hours spent at my Mom's beside during induction (Induction therapy a.k.a chemo, is given immediately to try to get the disease into remission). I remember leaving each and every visit and not ever making it to the elevator before I was in tears. I hated leaving Mom. I would say goodbye five million times, turn around a million times before the door shut behind me, just to get one more look at her. I would try to be on the phone the whole car ride home so I wouldn't have to think so much and lose it and cause an accident. My husband had to talk me through more than enough panic attacks while on my drive home. I still can't seem to shake the feeling of those long car rides home. My marriage became second in my life. We hadn't even been married 2 years before Mom got sick. I didn't want to be hugged, touched, or loved by Dan. I didn't want to cuddle, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go out to dinner, or laugh, or enjoy each others company. I didn't want to do anything that brought me joy. How could I? How could I do anything of any enjoyment when my Mom was stuck in a hospital, dying.
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| Image Via Pinterest |
I can't tell you how alone I felt most of the time. I can say that I am lucky enough to have the most amazing husband, family, and friends, that have supported me and held me up during this whole process, however, when at times all you have are your own thoughts, and tears, and fears; one can feel pretty lonely. You find yourself feeling like there's no one else on earth that understands exactly what you're going through. Aunt January and I became the leaders of the pack in a sense. January was like the general, and I was the lieutenant. Together we faced the doctors, made medical decisions, made family decisions, we asked the questions, came up with the questions, came up with solutions to help get Mom through the chemo; you name it, we were taking care of it. Mom I think was able to find the independent bond with each of us that would carry her through the rest her illness. We were lucky to have each other. I was lucky to have them.
I was...am lucky to have January, to have the most amazing friends, to have the most amazing family support system. But not everyone that faces these circumstances does. Not everyone has a partner to make big decisions with. Not everyone has the resources to get the questions answered. I'm here to tell you that you have me. You have me to lean on, to vent to, to cry with, to yell and scream at the world with. You are not alone. It's time for me to give back and be there for someone else. Please, if you are faced with a tragedy of any kind, know that you have a friend out there. Leave a comment with your email if you need someone to talk to. You don't have to face the world alone.
Cancer is an ugly, lonely, and dark disease. Everyone becomes affected by it. We have to hold on tight though and use those around us that are willing to share their love and strength. I could never thank enough the loved ones that have been there for me since day one. I could never thank enough the many many people that prayed for Mom and my family. We truly wouldn't have survived without each and every one of those people.
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| Image Via Pinterest |
Trust me when I say I am here for you and I understand. I can be your rock, and can pick you up when you are falling. That's what life is all about right?
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