Guilt.

Yes.

All the time. And it's an issue.

guilt:  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy

I had a hard day yesterday.  It just simply was.  I would agree with definition in that mostly the guilt does come from imagined offenses.  I mostly feel guilty all the time.  If I say no, if I say the wrong thing, if I think people take what I say the wrong way, if I can't help, if I'm not working hard enough at my job, if I make someone feel bad...etc..the list goes on and on and on.  I know we all have feelings of guilt, but I know that for me, I carry guilt way to often and it hinders me from having a clear mind and takes time away from taking care of myself. 

I'd have to say I have come a long...through many conversations with those close to me, I have been able to work through realizing that I in fact don't have to feel bad about everything! 

But somedays I just can't help it.  Yesterday was one of those days. 

Since May 4th of last year (Mom's diagnosis) the guilt I feel has taken on a WHOLE new life of its own. 

I have had to sacrifice parts of my marriage, my job, my friendships, my health.....

I had to witness day in and day out my Mom suffering, I was partly responsible for the care my younger brother and when I was frustrated and at my witts end, I felt bad about that...

All of it left me feeling guilty all the time, with never much relief.  I didn't know how to change my thoughts, I didn't know how to put the emotion away enough to survive really...it just stayed with me all the time.

I'm jumping way forward to yesterday.  To give a quick update my Mom is finally home!!!  It's been great.  We are going on almost 3 weeks now she has been home.  She is truly making huge progress in taking care of herself and getting her life back. 

Even though I am SO proud of her and want her to encourage her to get back to being on her own, I am living everyday with feelings of guilt...I think "I should probably be there all the time with her...I need to call everday...I need to be there on the weekends to make sure she is okay and get her out of the house, I don't want her to feel lonely, or forgotten, or not taken care of..."

As I type it all I know I sound crazy!  What am I doing to myself! WHY am I doing this to myself!  My life has been taken away for almost a year, and now I get to start having it back, and all I do is worry!  I mean okay, let me take a step back, we will forever be worried about her health, that just comes with the disease right? but in all honesty I need to get a grip!  I need to realize that she is OK, everything is OK, and I can't be there all the time.  1. its not good for anyone for me to be there all the time still, 2. I can't live her life for her, 3. I would be harming her more than helping if I'm there taking care of her all the time.....I mean right? 

Over and over and over I have to ask myself these questions.  I know it all comes from a place of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what will happen to her if she is alone...

I of course realized, I needed to express these feelings to her.  So I did. 

And this is what she told me "elena, I would feel disappointed if you weren't getting back to your life.  Also, you know at some point I'm going to get sick again and you'll want to be there, so while I'm feeling good, take advantage of it!" 

THAT WAS HUGE. 

I needed to hear it I think straight from her.  I needed her to reassure me that it was okay to choose "me" over taking care of her. 

l know I need to get to a place where I don't need constant reassurance to not feel bad.  It's something I know I need to work on everyday.  I know my self-esteem could use a boost, and I know I need to think more about taking care of myself.  I also know that I have to remember that my Mom and those around me want me to take care of myself and actually put myself first and not feel bad about it. 

I'm just exhausted, and I'm ready to not feel this way anymore.  So I am going to make a concious decision to constantly work on the issue of feeling guilty. 

For now, I'm proud of myself for talking about it with Mom.  And I'm proud of giving myself  the chance to end my day yesterday doing things that were good for me.  Eventually the bad days will come less often...but until then....I'm just a work in progress.