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When you or a loved one is diagnosed with an illness, or a tragedy occurs, you find yourself in unfamiliar territory.  I remember being lost in thought about our situation, and constantly wondering why did this happen to my Mom, and not me.  I would actually spend time thinking to myself "Why couldn't I be the one diagnosed with Leukemia?  I wish it had happened to me instead, she doesn't deserve this."  Dan, my most amazing husband would always tell me, "You can't think like that, and I can't bear thinking about what if it had happened to you."  It's strange where your mind goes when you are faced with such shock.

 At this point,  I guess its inevitable that your thoughts become irrational. I had to accept what had happened.  I had to accept that this was our reality.  Where do you put it all though?  Where do the emotions fit in? Where do I find the strength to put on a smile and be the reassurance in Mom's eyes??  

Mom and I, May 24th

I couldn't get enough time with Mom.  School (work) was going to be over in a month, and I could barely stand it.  That last month of school I was there about 50% of the time.  I wanted to be, needed to be at the hospital as much as I could.  We didn't know how long Mom would be admitted, and I couldn't bare the thought of her being there alone for any extended amount of time. So I was there, as much as I could be, I was there.  The visits were never long enough, and even when I wasn't there, my heart, my mind, my everything, was still there at the hospital with her.  It simply took over....

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Each visit made me appreciate life outside of the hospital even more.  To be witness to your loved one live through having test after test, poked and prodded every 2,3,4 hours, medicine pumped into their veins hour after hour, watching the weakness slowly take over, the mental and physical toll the chemo takes on them, the loneliness that overcomes them...nothing, nothing outside of the hospital mattered after those visits.  

Life and it's everyday stresses dwindled.  I wasn't as concerned with the small things as I used to be, I had to put my everyday "stresses" to the side. It was a change I had never expected, but in a strange way welcomed. My soul has changed, my heart is bigger, and I try to live each and every day and not take it for granted. 

Art by Kelly Rae Roberts

 I can't say I'm recovered from the tragedy that affected our lives, in fact I can say I am far from recovered. Its hard to go back, its hard to write this, I don't know if I could ever get it all out, or not cry through the writing of a post,...but as I've learned, I have to take it one day at a time. one moment at a time...but for today, I'm thankful for life, and can say that Mom is stronger than ever, and that she gives me the courage to keep on keepin on...