Chemotherapy

Chemotherapy. 

Treatment had began immediately. It was just a part of the treatment plan really.  We found out Mom was going to eventually need a bone marrow transplant but let's save that for another day.  Of course you always hear about the horrible side affects from chemotherapy, so we somewhat knew what we were getting into, but when its there, taking over your loved one, its a whole new story.  The docs of course prepped us as much as they could.  They would explain to us what each and every drug was, gave us printed information on each drug, gave us calendars to track the therapy and informed us of all of the side affects.

From the before drugs to the after drugs, to the actual chemo itself, it was at first a lot to take in and remember, but eventually we just got used to the whole regiment. 

Potassium, Magnesium, Benadryl, Compazine, Platelets...and probably a few more I'm forgetting all had to be given pre-chemo.  Eventually the 2 nurses would come in, confirm her name, date of birth and the drug of choice for the day, and finally, she would be ready. 

It's a strange thing to watch someone getting chemo.  I don't know what I had expected it to be like, but it was always pretty anti-climatic. Hooked up to the I.V. she was, and in it went.  I remember Mom always talking at first about after the first initial Leukapheresis treatment she had, that she felt "normal" in a sense.  She didn't feel sick, she didn't look sick, she was't acting sick, but she had Cancer, and was being given Chemo for it.  We relaxed a bit because it really didn't seem all that bad in a sense.

But then it all hits. The side affects.  There was nausea, loss of appetite, loss of taste, weakness, soreness, vomitting, diarhea, memory loss, confusion (chemo brain, Mom would call it), inability to focus, exhaustion, hair loss, mouth sores, dryness of skin, vision changes....on and on and on.  For me, it was all hard to witness.  How could it not be right? I couldn't imagine what Mom was going through physically and mentally, and there was nothing I could do to help.
We did the best we could to keep her company, read through all the cards and letters she would get, watch T.V, sometimes just sit quietly and wait.  When she had to get up, we would help guide her around the room with her I.V. pump, and help her hold herself up when she couldn't stand.  Her treatment would last a month.  Once a week she would receive the Chemo, and during the days in between, we would try to help her survive the side affects. At this point, mentally and emotionally for me, I was at my lowest.  I couldn't take away the pain, I couldn't make it better, I could only help so much...I couldn't eat for her, or make things taste good, I couldn't make the stomach pain go away, I couldn't fast forward time to the end of it all..

Eventually, Mom decided it was time to cut her hair. It was her choice to do it all the way.  She was ready to let it all go.  Why suffer through the process of watching it all fall out and having no control over it.  Hell, she had lost control of everything else so you couldn't blame her for wanting to be in control of the one thing she seemed to have left at that point...

Having never went through this before, how do you make something traumatic seem...a bit easier, a bit lighter...??  Well, we had a pizza party and made the whole thing an event!  We had it all setup, pizza for the nurses station, pizza and salad and dessert for us!  Sounds a bit odd I know, but we figured, hey if we are gonna shave her head we may as well have some fun with it!

At first, Mom was quiet, unsure I think...not really able to process I think what was happening...we went slowly and had some fun with it...we tried to make her comfortable and confident!  Shaving her head, watching the hair fall, was in a way therapeutic for us all I think...we were getting rid of the disease, the "old" Mom, the past, the Chemo, the toxins in her body...She was slowly starting to embrace her new self.  She was beautiful, her eyes were glowing, she had that most amazing smile on her face...it was done, and we were moving forward, glad she choose to let it all go and embrace  her new look, her new life, her new hope...

Sometimes I guess you have to just let it all go and embrace what you are given, even if for a moment.  

The beautiful woman on the left

is Mom's sister January. She of 

course supported Mom in the best way she possibly could! 

They are 2 of the most beautiful women I know! 

This is one of my most favorite pictures I have probably ever taken with Mom.
It's how I will forever hold her in my heart.