The Big WHY!

The big Why?  The question of course eventually arrived.  About 48 hours after Mom was admitted to the hospital.  The first 48 hours were numbing.  They were filled with shock, confusion, sadness, worry...you name it, we felt it.  The first 48 hours consisted of waiting for the doctors to save my mothers life.  By the time she was admitted her white blood cell count was at least 300,000.  Normal counts when you don't have a cold or flu, are around 2-3,000.  So it was a scramble, a whirlwind.  Into the ICU she went, a life saving process called Leukapheresis was ordered, labs were taken, a full history was taken, we met the doctors; which consisted of med students, interns, fellows, attendings, the nurse practitioners, nurses...we were at a teaching hospital so we had many many doctors to work with.  Family came, stuffed in the ICU room, the lawyer uncle arrived and the paperwork was written up.  Who is going to be the power of attorney, who is going to take over  the decisions about finances and the kids, and the house, and the job, do you want a DNR, who signs the papers, who is going to be in charge?  I don't know how my mom got through the conversation.  I checked out the minute the words Power of Attorney were said. It was all thrown at us so fast.  But we had to have a plan. You just have to have a plan.   

So 48 hours later, the shock wore off just enough for the tough questions to start creeping into my mind...Why? Why my Mom? Why me? Why our family?  What did we to deserve this?  Had I asked for this to happen because over the years I had thought to myself "who is going to take care of my brother if something happens to Mom?" 

So how do you find the answers to the most impossible of questions?  All of a sudden my faith is tested and I need answers.  I need answers to make it somehow explainable, to make me feel like its not my fault, that my "what if's" over the years didn't somehow cause my Mom's illness.  Am I someone that believes God has our story, our plan, already laid out, and he knew all along that this was going to happen?  Am I someone that believes this is just life, that life just happens and there was nothing you could do to help it? Is there a God to be mad at?  Should I be mad at the universe and hate it for being unfair to us?  Who could I blame for once again dealing the worst of the worst cards to my Mom?  

Art by Kelly Rae Roberts

After numerous conversations concerning the topic of the why, I am compelled to surrender to the idea that this is not a punishment nor is there anyone or anything to blame.  This is simply life, and life happens and you have to choose to deal with it or not. The option to fight and win the fight had already been decided, but the power of the fight wouldn't have been as mighty if we had not come to this conclusion. 

Going back, this theory was tested over and over and over again. When faced over and over with the possibility of losing one of your most significant loved ones, your heart and soul can't help but constantly go back to the why.  As time went on though, as the hospital stays got longer, as the complications became greater, oddly the why seemed to slowly vanish. Maybe you just become used to the lifestyle, maybe the piles upon piles of worry take over, and you don't have time for the why anymore...Maybe we were just able to surrender enough to let it go, and move on, and accept life for what it was...

The why's and what if's will always be there, in whatever situation you are faced with. The answers may never come easy, but I guess I learned that in order to not give up, you have to surrender to the power of what the question holds, and just  jump in with everything you have and fight like hell.