Today...Tomorrow...

Happy Day!  I hope wherever you are you are able to take in the sunshine and enjoy the day! 

I apologize for my lack of posts, The end of last week and this past weekend have been busy! 

I wanted to start by saying that this weekend has been pretty glorious! 

On Saturday we had a most wonderful visit with Mom! 

It was a visit to cherish, and take it exactly for what it was in that moment, in that day! 

Since May 4th to now, Mom has transformed in every way possible.  

I'd say I've transformed in every way possible as well. 

Since the begining of it all, we never knew what the next day would hold. 

We never knew what the next conversation would be when the docs walked in the room. 

We had to constantly adjust, and grow, and find it in us to be patient and have hope.  

Each and every day Mom was surviving, and we were right there next to her surviving and fighting.  

SO, this weekend.  Mom has been home now for almost a full month.  It's not the first time she has been home, but this time around, she has progressed the most.  

She is pushing herself to get out and go shopping, cook in her kitchen, take care of her house, herself, AND my brother.  It's just amazing to watch.  She is beginning to find her way to living her best life. When I leave her house, I'm not in tears of worry, I'm not feeling guilty for leaving...instead I'm confident that she truly is doing well and that she really is O.K.

  

It wasn't always like that.  It's actually taking some adjusting too strange as that sounds.  

I've learned to accept that you never know what the next day will hold, and that you can't spend all of your time worrying and trying to control something before it happens, or doesn't happen.  

When you live in a world of wondering if the next day could bring tears of joy, or tears of unending sadness, you loose yourself and your faith in the hope that you will all survive.  

The last few visits I have had with Mom have given me the strength to believe that all the hope and faith I had to have even when it wasn't there, was actually real, and that you should look forward to the next day because in the end you have to have the hope to be able to face the next day.  

The picture above was taken June 9th, 2011.  The picture below was taken March 24th 2012.  Mom has come so far....with way too much in between.  But she is surviving, she has survived.  And she is an inspiration to keep fighting and live each day to its fullest!

Guilt.

Yes.

All the time. And it's an issue.

guilt:  feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy

I had a hard day yesterday.  It just simply was.  I would agree with definition in that mostly the guilt does come from imagined offenses.  I mostly feel guilty all the time.  If I say no, if I say the wrong thing, if I think people take what I say the wrong way, if I can't help, if I'm not working hard enough at my job, if I make someone feel bad...etc..the list goes on and on and on.  I know we all have feelings of guilt, but I know that for me, I carry guilt way to often and it hinders me from having a clear mind and takes time away from taking care of myself. 

I'd have to say I have come a long...through many conversations with those close to me, I have been able to work through realizing that I in fact don't have to feel bad about everything! 

But somedays I just can't help it.  Yesterday was one of those days. 

Since May 4th of last year (Mom's diagnosis) the guilt I feel has taken on a WHOLE new life of its own. 

I have had to sacrifice parts of my marriage, my job, my friendships, my health.....

I had to witness day in and day out my Mom suffering, I was partly responsible for the care my younger brother and when I was frustrated and at my witts end, I felt bad about that...

All of it left me feeling guilty all the time, with never much relief.  I didn't know how to change my thoughts, I didn't know how to put the emotion away enough to survive really...it just stayed with me all the time.

I'm jumping way forward to yesterday.  To give a quick update my Mom is finally home!!!  It's been great.  We are going on almost 3 weeks now she has been home.  She is truly making huge progress in taking care of herself and getting her life back. 

Even though I am SO proud of her and want her to encourage her to get back to being on her own, I am living everyday with feelings of guilt...I think "I should probably be there all the time with her...I need to call everday...I need to be there on the weekends to make sure she is okay and get her out of the house, I don't want her to feel lonely, or forgotten, or not taken care of..."

As I type it all I know I sound crazy!  What am I doing to myself! WHY am I doing this to myself!  My life has been taken away for almost a year, and now I get to start having it back, and all I do is worry!  I mean okay, let me take a step back, we will forever be worried about her health, that just comes with the disease right? but in all honesty I need to get a grip!  I need to realize that she is OK, everything is OK, and I can't be there all the time.  1. its not good for anyone for me to be there all the time still, 2. I can't live her life for her, 3. I would be harming her more than helping if I'm there taking care of her all the time.....I mean right? 

Over and over and over I have to ask myself these questions.  I know it all comes from a place of fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of what will happen to her if she is alone...

I of course realized, I needed to express these feelings to her.  So I did. 

And this is what she told me "elena, I would feel disappointed if you weren't getting back to your life.  Also, you know at some point I'm going to get sick again and you'll want to be there, so while I'm feeling good, take advantage of it!" 

THAT WAS HUGE. 

I needed to hear it I think straight from her.  I needed her to reassure me that it was okay to choose "me" over taking care of her. 

l know I need to get to a place where I don't need constant reassurance to not feel bad.  It's something I know I need to work on everyday.  I know my self-esteem could use a boost, and I know I need to think more about taking care of myself.  I also know that I have to remember that my Mom and those around me want me to take care of myself and actually put myself first and not feel bad about it. 

I'm just exhausted, and I'm ready to not feel this way anymore.  So I am going to make a concious decision to constantly work on the issue of feeling guilty. 

For now, I'm proud of myself for talking about it with Mom.  And I'm proud of giving myself  the chance to end my day yesterday doing things that were good for me.  Eventually the bad days will come less often...but until then....I'm just a work in progress. 

Chemotherapy

Chemotherapy. 

Treatment had began immediately. It was just a part of the treatment plan really.  We found out Mom was going to eventually need a bone marrow transplant but let's save that for another day.  Of course you always hear about the horrible side affects from chemotherapy, so we somewhat knew what we were getting into, but when its there, taking over your loved one, its a whole new story.  The docs of course prepped us as much as they could.  They would explain to us what each and every drug was, gave us printed information on each drug, gave us calendars to track the therapy and informed us of all of the side affects.

From the before drugs to the after drugs, to the actual chemo itself, it was at first a lot to take in and remember, but eventually we just got used to the whole regiment. 

Potassium, Magnesium, Benadryl, Compazine, Platelets...and probably a few more I'm forgetting all had to be given pre-chemo.  Eventually the 2 nurses would come in, confirm her name, date of birth and the drug of choice for the day, and finally, she would be ready. 

It's a strange thing to watch someone getting chemo.  I don't know what I had expected it to be like, but it was always pretty anti-climatic. Hooked up to the I.V. she was, and in it went.  I remember Mom always talking at first about after the first initial Leukapheresis treatment she had, that she felt "normal" in a sense.  She didn't feel sick, she didn't look sick, she was't acting sick, but she had Cancer, and was being given Chemo for it.  We relaxed a bit because it really didn't seem all that bad in a sense.

But then it all hits. The side affects.  There was nausea, loss of appetite, loss of taste, weakness, soreness, vomitting, diarhea, memory loss, confusion (chemo brain, Mom would call it), inability to focus, exhaustion, hair loss, mouth sores, dryness of skin, vision changes....on and on and on.  For me, it was all hard to witness.  How could it not be right? I couldn't imagine what Mom was going through physically and mentally, and there was nothing I could do to help.
We did the best we could to keep her company, read through all the cards and letters she would get, watch T.V, sometimes just sit quietly and wait.  When she had to get up, we would help guide her around the room with her I.V. pump, and help her hold herself up when she couldn't stand.  Her treatment would last a month.  Once a week she would receive the Chemo, and during the days in between, we would try to help her survive the side affects. At this point, mentally and emotionally for me, I was at my lowest.  I couldn't take away the pain, I couldn't make it better, I could only help so much...I couldn't eat for her, or make things taste good, I couldn't make the stomach pain go away, I couldn't fast forward time to the end of it all..

Eventually, Mom decided it was time to cut her hair. It was her choice to do it all the way.  She was ready to let it all go.  Why suffer through the process of watching it all fall out and having no control over it.  Hell, she had lost control of everything else so you couldn't blame her for wanting to be in control of the one thing she seemed to have left at that point...

Having never went through this before, how do you make something traumatic seem...a bit easier, a bit lighter...??  Well, we had a pizza party and made the whole thing an event!  We had it all setup, pizza for the nurses station, pizza and salad and dessert for us!  Sounds a bit odd I know, but we figured, hey if we are gonna shave her head we may as well have some fun with it!

At first, Mom was quiet, unsure I think...not really able to process I think what was happening...we went slowly and had some fun with it...we tried to make her comfortable and confident!  Shaving her head, watching the hair fall, was in a way therapeutic for us all I think...we were getting rid of the disease, the "old" Mom, the past, the Chemo, the toxins in her body...She was slowly starting to embrace her new self.  She was beautiful, her eyes were glowing, she had that most amazing smile on her face...it was done, and we were moving forward, glad she choose to let it all go and embrace  her new look, her new life, her new hope...

Sometimes I guess you have to just let it all go and embrace what you are given, even if for a moment.  

The beautiful woman on the left

is Mom's sister January. She of 

course supported Mom in the best way she possibly could! 

They are 2 of the most beautiful women I know! 

This is one of my most favorite pictures I have probably ever taken with Mom.
It's how I will forever hold her in my heart.

Embracing

Image Via Pinterest

When you or a loved one is diagnosed with an illness, or a tragedy occurs, you find yourself in unfamiliar territory.  I remember being lost in thought about our situation, and constantly wondering why did this happen to my Mom, and not me.  I would actually spend time thinking to myself "Why couldn't I be the one diagnosed with Leukemia?  I wish it had happened to me instead, she doesn't deserve this."  Dan, my most amazing husband would always tell me, "You can't think like that, and I can't bear thinking about what if it had happened to you."  It's strange where your mind goes when you are faced with such shock.

 At this point,  I guess its inevitable that your thoughts become irrational. I had to accept what had happened.  I had to accept that this was our reality.  Where do you put it all though?  Where do the emotions fit in? Where do I find the strength to put on a smile and be the reassurance in Mom's eyes??  

Mom and I, May 24th

I couldn't get enough time with Mom.  School (work) was going to be over in a month, and I could barely stand it.  That last month of school I was there about 50% of the time.  I wanted to be, needed to be at the hospital as much as I could.  We didn't know how long Mom would be admitted, and I couldn't bare the thought of her being there alone for any extended amount of time. So I was there, as much as I could be, I was there.  The visits were never long enough, and even when I wasn't there, my heart, my mind, my everything, was still there at the hospital with her.  It simply took over....

Image Via Pinterest

Each visit made me appreciate life outside of the hospital even more.  To be witness to your loved one live through having test after test, poked and prodded every 2,3,4 hours, medicine pumped into their veins hour after hour, watching the weakness slowly take over, the mental and physical toll the chemo takes on them, the loneliness that overcomes them...nothing, nothing outside of the hospital mattered after those visits.  

Life and it's everyday stresses dwindled.  I wasn't as concerned with the small things as I used to be, I had to put my everyday "stresses" to the side. It was a change I had never expected, but in a strange way welcomed. My soul has changed, my heart is bigger, and I try to live each and every day and not take it for granted. 

Art by Kelly Rae Roberts

 I can't say I'm recovered from the tragedy that affected our lives, in fact I can say I am far from recovered. Its hard to go back, its hard to write this, I don't know if I could ever get it all out, or not cry through the writing of a post,...but as I've learned, I have to take it one day at a time. one moment at a time...but for today, I'm thankful for life, and can say that Mom is stronger than ever, and that she gives me the courage to keep on keepin on...

Pump In, Pump Out

Via Pinterest

Pump In, Pump Out. 

It was our thing!  It was what we had to do....IF, we wanted to see Mom.  

When a loved one is diagnosed with Cancer, being the caregiver comes with rules and responsibilities.  

Pump In, Pump Out. Not only was it something we had to get used to doing every time we walked into Mom's room, but I guess it could used as a metaphor for the emotional roller coaster you are constantly living on.  Will I be on my game today?  Will I be checked out of the world around me?  

So bear with me.  I am working backwards to work forward.  Confusing? I'm sure, but in my heart of hearts I truly believe I have to go back, and mentally and emotionally work through the trauma we were all put through in order to move forward.  So here we are.  

So with that said, a huge part of moving on, is passing on all of the knowledge I have gained from this experience.  I'd just like to say, I'm no professional.  I don't work in a hospital, and I'm not a social worker, but after ten months, I've learned more than I could ever want to know about the medical world! Along the way check out some of the websites dedicated to Cancer patients and Caregivers!

Via

Pump IN, Pump OUT - With Leukemia patients, you have to be constantly aware of what they are exposed to. In order to walk in my Mom's room, you had to pump the hand sanitizer, and when you left you had to disinfect.  Why do I bring this up you may ask? Easy right?  Well unfortunately, there were a few times we had to remind some of our medical team to pump in when they came in the room.  We were constantly reminding each other to sanitize!  Here's the point, don't be afraid to ask those around you, whether it be the hospital staff, family or friends, to follow the rules when they are around the patient.  It's the best for everyone, and if you ask kindly those around you will understand where you are coming from.  If you see something a medical professional does that you don't agree with or understand, express your concerns or ask a question.  They are there to help you stay at ease and reassure you the best they can.  

Via

Ask Questions - Don't be scared to ask the hospital staff any questions you may have.  I can't tell you how often I asked the same questions to our amazing nurses, or how often the docs would come in and explain something to us, and I would have to repeat it maybe 2X, just to make sure I got it right! Even if you think your question sounds silly, or doesn't quite make sense, ask.  You will feel better and won't worry as much after you get your answer!  The hospital staff will encourage you to ask questions, so don't be shy!  Write down questions you have for the next time you visit.  It may also help to encourage your patient to do the same.  They are already under enough stress and trauma, and trying to remember the questions they have, or the answers they have received may be too much for them.  Understandable right?  Well same for you.  So start a notebook that everyone has access to.  The knowledge of the disease and the treatment you will get is overwhelming, and we are only human and can remember so much right!  

Via

Parking, Food, Clothing, etc. - Sounds like a silly thing to suggest for a topic, but when you really think about it, they all become part of the process.  Parking Garage.  I envy you if the hospital your loved one is at has free parking, but in case it doesn't, I feel your pain.  Ask around to see if the hospital offers a discount sticker system, or weekly maybe even monthly deals for parking in their garage. If you are visiting daily, be prepared to pay an arm and a leg when all is said and done.  So look for the discounts!  Food.  Strange as it is to think about, its for your own survival.  When you can, pack a lunch and bring snacks.  Take advantage of the "kitchen" area that may be available to you on the unit your loved one is on.  It's not always affordable to run down and get a snack at the food court, especially when you may be spending long hours with your loved one.  Clothing.  Dress for the unit and patients room, not for the weather outside.  You, like I did, may have to wear a gown and gloves every time you visit.  The gowns are hot and don't breathe, and gloves are suffocating, so dress to be as comfortable as you can.  All of these things are important because still at the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself!  

Via

Your Loved One's Life Outside the Hospital - So when Mom was diagnosed, we all took on different rolls.  Part of my roll was to help figure out what was going to happen to her house, her cats, her bills, her car; basically the every day "worries and responsibilities" we all have.  If you are paying the bills for your loved one, think about what utilities you may be able to cancel, call the credit card companies to see if the payments can be reduced or put on hold.  If your loved one's home is going to be unoccupied while they are in treatment, try to unplug what you can, empty the pantry, have their mail put on hold at the post office, and let at least one neighbor know what is going on and ask if they can keep an eye on the house!  Running someone else's household is a big job and can take up a lot of time, so try to figure things out how to make things a bit easier for you.  Things will go back to normal at some point, but until then while you are taking care of it all, you need to be able to stay sane, so try to give yourself a break and do what's easiest for you! 

I know, its easier said than done!  But we have to at least try right?!
Image Via Pinterest

So I have to admit, this isn't the most interesting of posts, but when your life changes as drastically as it does when you or your loved one becomes ill, its easy to lose your way.  As time goes on I will post more tips for you.  I hope it helps, and if anything, I hope that even if just for a moment you can steal a minute to do something for yourself.  Take care of yourself please, let someone else take care of you, even if its for an hour, or ten minutes.  You have to be strong for your loved one, but in order to do that you have to remember to be strong for yourself.  Trust me I know and I know it's easier said than done.  At the end of the day you may be the last thing you think about taking care of, but your loved one will want whats best for you, and always remember, 

you deserve it.  

Over My Head

Happy Monday!  I hope you had a fabulous weekend!  

I wanted to start off today by telling you how excited I am right now! Tonight, my Mom, at her home, made dinner for herself and my brother!  She made tuna noodle casserole!  Let me just say, that this is the first time in 10 months she has fully cooked a meal for herself!  It may seem like a small task, but for her, it's a really big deal!  She is finding her independence again and it is heavenly to witness!  

Looking back 10 months ago, it seems so far away.  I guess I should be more specific.  The events of what happened each day since diagnosis seem far away, but the emotions are still pretty fresh.  I find myself thinking all the time about the emotional roller-coaster I've been on.  I can say that the roller coaster has slowed, but it is still fresh, it is still all there.  Officially Mom was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.  With ALL, comes chemotherapy, and eventually down the road a bone marrow transplant.

This was the first picture Mom and I took after diagnosis.  

At this point we had still decided not to do any of our own "medical research" on anything Cancer diagnosis related. I think even if I wanted to sit down and and look up all the new information I was learning, I wouldn't have been able to stomach it.  We wrote everything down though.  We asked question after question after question.  Because of the seriousness of ALL, the docs had to move fast. Chemo began right away, and day by day, minute by minute we lived in the fear of not knowing if it was going to work enough or not.

Image Via Pinterest

I still think about the hours spent at my Mom's beside during induction (Induction therapy a.k.a chemo, is given immediately to try to get the disease into remission).  I remember leaving each and every visit and not ever making it to the elevator before I was in tears.  I hated leaving Mom.  I would say goodbye five million times, turn around a million times before the door shut behind me, just to get one more look at her.  I would try to be on the phone the whole car ride home so I wouldn't have to think so much and lose it and cause an accident.  My husband had to talk me through more than enough panic attacks while on my drive home.  I still can't seem to shake the feeling of those long car rides home. My marriage became second in my life.  We hadn't even been married 2 years before Mom got sick.  I didn't want to be hugged, touched, or loved by Dan.  I didn't want to cuddle, I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to go out to dinner, or laugh, or enjoy each others company.  I didn't want to do anything that brought me joy.  How could I?  How could I do anything of any enjoyment when my Mom was stuck in a hospital, dying.       

                                       

Image Via Pinterest

I can't tell you how alone I felt most of the time.  I can say that I am lucky enough to have the most amazing husband, family, and friends, that have supported me and held me up during this whole process, however, when at times all you have are your own thoughts, and tears, and fears; one can feel pretty lonely.  You find yourself feeling like there's no one else on earth that understands exactly what you're going through.  Aunt January and I became the leaders of the pack in a sense.  January was like the general, and I was the lieutenant.   Together we faced the doctors, made medical decisions, made family decisions, we asked the questions, came up with the questions, came up with solutions to help get Mom through the chemo; you name it, we were taking care of it.  Mom I think was able to find the independent bond with each of us that would carry her through the rest her illness.  We were lucky to have each other. I was lucky to have them.

I was...am lucky to have January, to have the most amazing friends, to have the most amazing family support system.  But not everyone that faces these circumstances does.  Not everyone has a partner to make big decisions with.  Not everyone has the resources to get the questions answered. I'm here to tell you that you have me.  You have me to lean on, to vent to, to cry with, to yell and scream at the world with.  You are not alone.  It's time for me to give back and be there for someone else.  Please, if you are faced with a tragedy of any kind, know that you have a friend out there.  Leave a comment with your email if you need someone to talk to.  You don't have to face the world alone.

Cancer is an ugly, lonely, and dark disease. Everyone becomes affected by it.  We have to hold on tight though and use those around us that are willing to share their love and strength.  I could never thank enough the loved ones that have been there for me since day one.  I could never thank enough the many many people that prayed for Mom and my family.  We truly wouldn't have survived without each and every one of those people.

Image Via Pinterest

Trust me when I say I am here for you and I understand.  I can be your rock, and can pick you up when you are falling.  That's what life is all about right?

Pass It Forward

Good Morning and Happy Sunday!!  It's a beautiful day here in Chicago so I thought I would take a break from the world of Cancer!  I wanted to send some SHINE your way so I thought I would share with you a project I'm joining!  Its called the Pass It Forward Project.  You can fully check it out here!  A fellow blogger (no I don't know her, but now that I'm blogging I can say that right!?)  in Arizona designed this mini project to inspire people in their neighborhood to do a little something each day that impacts someone they meet, run into, already know, etc.  

Ashley, the fellow blogger is part of a larger project called the SHINE project.  She is in the business of making the world a better place and spends her days spreading some shine into other peoples lives!  I read her blog everyday and each day she inspires me to want to do something that is bigger than me, bigger than my little word I live in!  So if you want or need some SHINE in your life, check out Ashley and her inspirational story here!

So wherever you are today, or whatever you are doing, I hope you can enjoy the sunshine, or spread some sunshine to someone else!  I hope you can spend the day doing a little something for yourself and finding your own SHINE!

A Tiny Miracle!

Funny how the universe works sometimes.  Exactly 4 days after my Mom was diagnosed, one of our best couple friends delivered their first baby.  Welcome baby Hailey!  May 8, 2011 this sweet and beautiful child was born.  It also just so happened to be Mothers Day.  How ironic.  

That morning my family and I went to the hospital to celebrate the day with Mom.  She didn't know this at the time, but I cried the whole day.  It was the first time my younger brother was seeing my Mom since she had been admitted, it was the first Mothers Day ever spent in a hospital.  It was only 4 days after Cancer was introduced to our lives.  Little did we know this was the first of many holidays that we would spend in the hospital. Little did we know that 3 months later, we would be sitting in an OR waiting room, praying that Mom survive a life threatening surgery.  Nonetheless, it was a great visit. Sick or not, Mom was Mom, smiling and reassuring us all that she was okay. 

Hailey and I, she was only 5 hours old!  

Towards the end of the visit we got the call!  Baby Hailey was born!  She was healthy and beautiful  and truly a miracle.  Looking back, it was such an emotional day.   Here I was celebrating my own amazing Mother, not knowing if it was going to be the last Mothers Day we would have together or not...and then hours later, I get to celebrate the most amazing gift one could ever receive.  After our most touching visit with 5 hour old Hailey, I felt uplifted, I felt hope for the future.  

Life is so unexpected sometimes...maybe even most of the time but when it seemed as if life was being taken away from us, another was given.  During the beginning of our darkest days, an angel was born.  Baby Hailey was our saving grace that day.  She won't know it until she is older, but she saved me in a way that day.  She gave me faith that it wasn't going to be last day I would celebrate Mothers Day with my Mom....she gave me something to celebrate when the times would get tough.  

For each of our own reasons, I think she gave us the will to fight even harder!  

Love to Hailey, her Mom and Dad, and of course Mom.  I can't wait to celebrate Mothers Day this year with each and every one of you!!!  

The Big WHY!

The big Why?  The question of course eventually arrived.  About 48 hours after Mom was admitted to the hospital.  The first 48 hours were numbing.  They were filled with shock, confusion, sadness, worry...you name it, we felt it.  The first 48 hours consisted of waiting for the doctors to save my mothers life.  By the time she was admitted her white blood cell count was at least 300,000.  Normal counts when you don't have a cold or flu, are around 2-3,000.  So it was a scramble, a whirlwind.  Into the ICU she went, a life saving process called Leukapheresis was ordered, labs were taken, a full history was taken, we met the doctors; which consisted of med students, interns, fellows, attendings, the nurse practitioners, nurses...we were at a teaching hospital so we had many many doctors to work with.  Family came, stuffed in the ICU room, the lawyer uncle arrived and the paperwork was written up.  Who is going to be the power of attorney, who is going to take over  the decisions about finances and the kids, and the house, and the job, do you want a DNR, who signs the papers, who is going to be in charge?  I don't know how my mom got through the conversation.  I checked out the minute the words Power of Attorney were said. It was all thrown at us so fast.  But we had to have a plan. You just have to have a plan.   

So 48 hours later, the shock wore off just enough for the tough questions to start creeping into my mind...Why? Why my Mom? Why me? Why our family?  What did we to deserve this?  Had I asked for this to happen because over the years I had thought to myself "who is going to take care of my brother if something happens to Mom?" 

So how do you find the answers to the most impossible of questions?  All of a sudden my faith is tested and I need answers.  I need answers to make it somehow explainable, to make me feel like its not my fault, that my "what if's" over the years didn't somehow cause my Mom's illness.  Am I someone that believes God has our story, our plan, already laid out, and he knew all along that this was going to happen?  Am I someone that believes this is just life, that life just happens and there was nothing you could do to help it? Is there a God to be mad at?  Should I be mad at the universe and hate it for being unfair to us?  Who could I blame for once again dealing the worst of the worst cards to my Mom?  

Art by Kelly Rae Roberts

After numerous conversations concerning the topic of the why, I am compelled to surrender to the idea that this is not a punishment nor is there anyone or anything to blame.  This is simply life, and life happens and you have to choose to deal with it or not. The option to fight and win the fight had already been decided, but the power of the fight wouldn't have been as mighty if we had not come to this conclusion. 

Going back, this theory was tested over and over and over again. When faced over and over with the possibility of losing one of your most significant loved ones, your heart and soul can't help but constantly go back to the why.  As time went on though, as the hospital stays got longer, as the complications became greater, oddly the why seemed to slowly vanish. Maybe you just become used to the lifestyle, maybe the piles upon piles of worry take over, and you don't have time for the why anymore...Maybe we were just able to surrender enough to let it go, and move on, and accept life for what it was...

The why's and what if's will always be there, in whatever situation you are faced with. The answers may never come easy, but I guess I learned that in order to not give up, you have to surrender to the power of what the question holds, and just  jump in with everything you have and fight like hell. 

The Power to Shine

The lack of power one has when faced with the news of Cancer is immeasurable; and I wasn't even the patient.  I felt powerless walking into the Oncology unit at the infamous University of Chicago Hospitals.  I felt hopeless, and my faith in the universe was lost.      

I walked in having no idea how this "story" was going to end.  But then there she was, walking with January and a small overnight bag, and a reassuring smile on her face.  My mom, the patient, the sick one, the unlucky one, the whatever you want to call her, didn't have tears in her eyes.  Me "Hi Mom how are you? Are you okay?" Mom "I'm ok. Listen, we just aren't going to worry or think the worst until we are told we have to, its going to be okay."

And there it was.  The power, the faith, the belief, the hope.  There it was, in that one sentence.  Let me tell you, it was powerful.  In that moment, she was a survivor, and I knew it was going to be okay.  I knew she had embraced the power of how her story was going to end.  

In the face of Cancer, my amazing Mother taught me a lesson.  I think we are constantly searching for answers, for faith, for prayers answered....and as hard as it is at times, we have to embrace the decision to recognize them when they come to us.  That day we chose to listen, that day we chose to take the power back from the universe, from our destiny and say "we aren't going down without a fight."  Cancer doesn't have to be your tragedy or heartache or loss, or struggle.  No matter what your story is, even in your darkest of moments, don't give up, find your light and let it shine.  You are worth it, we all are.  So Mom I thank you for showing me your light, and helping me embrace mine.  

love, e

First Leap!

It's taken me the last 9 months to even recognize that exactly where I am, right now at this moment, is exactly where I am supposed to be.  When life has a way of losing control, you feel like who you are and what you are meant to be is an impossible feeling, thought, wonder, hope..dream...

I wanted to introduce myself.  My name is elena and I'm new to the world of blogging!  I would have to say that all things "blog" were basically unknown to me until recently.  My life changed drastically May 4, 2011 and since then, I have been on a journey, a journey I never dreamed I would be on.  And that journey (which will be explained in due time) brought me here, to Soaring with Faith.  Let me be honest and tell you I don't even know where to begin!  

So here goes...just to get started..

May 4, 2011 I was at work. It was in the afternoon and I get a text message from my dear Aunt January telling me to call her a.s.a.p.  It was unusual for her to text me during the day let alone with  that urgent of a message.  So I call.  And life as I knew it, instantly changed.  Me,"Hey whats up?"  January, "Lena, your Mom has Leukemia and she needs to go to the hospital right now."  Even after all this time, typing it, thinking it, saying it out loud takes my breath away.  Pause. And I drop to the floor.  Screaming, crying, losing control.  

Cancer.  Leukemia.  It has become my world.  It has become daily life.  My mom's diagnosis changed our lives forever and honestly there is no going back.  Where I am now, where we are all now is a place of healing.  I have the whisper in me to tell my story to the world in the hopes of reaching out to anyone who needs a shoulder to cry on, to anyone who feels alone and hopeless.. whether you are fighting the fight as a patient, caregiver, loved one, etc.  My family and I continue to fight each and every day, and it can be lonely at times; but I'm here to tell you that if you are living in the world of Cancer you are not alone! 

So there it is.  I can't say if the weight of starting my story has made it easier or harder to breathe, but I'm willing to take the leap and see where it takes me!  I am soaring through this new journey with the hopes of finding and fulfilling new dreams.  I want to discover what I was truly put on this earth to do.  I want to be healthy, artistic, and helpful, and advocate, and search for new possibilities!  My mom was given a second chance at life and I'm joining her in finding my own light.  Thank you for taking the time to read my snippet! In real life I am quiet and shy and  like to live in the background...so putting it all out there is a big step!  So thank you for listening and giving me a chance!  

Until next time, with love, elena