"Whales"

Storypeople from Brian Andreas entitled "Whales"

 

Have you guys ever felt like this?

Like you wish sometimes you could join the whales?

I found this Storypeople print about 4 years ago and I remember even back then I wanted to join the whales. I actually think of this picture pretty often. 

Maybe that's sad. I remember sending the pic to my hubs way back when, and told him how I felt and I remember him saying how that made him sad for me.

It's the truth tho.

I wish I could swim away with the whales and not have to hear my thoughts, the noise, feel the heartache, remember the sadness and hard moments from the last 2 years...

Most times I wish I could erase my memory..even erase the good memories..

Everything reminds me of Mom...everything...and sometimes, it's just too much.

I envy those whales and the freedom they have underwater.

 

Someday I know I will have that same freedom and I'll want to live life on land.

Until then, I will keep pushing forward as much as I can, even on the hardest of days.

I will try to give myself a break on the hard days.

I will continue to work out with D and do my best to make good food choices.

I will continue to see my therapist and spend time with family and friends.

I will continue to fight and not give up.

Mom wouldn't want me too, and frankly neither do I.

The whales didn't give up, they just found a better way of living in peace....

And I guess I will find my way too....

 

xoxoxo

 

 

I remember when the whales had wings she said.

Whatever happened? I said. It got to be too noisy with all the airplanes & other stuff, so they flew into the ocean and never came back. Some days, she added, I think about going too.

The Next Chapter....??

 

 

So what is next? The cleanse is done...my kitchen is done (Yay!!!), my birthday is over...

so what is next..

 

I've been thinking a lot about what to write, what to let out.  I'll be honest, it's hard because I want to write about my grief, my thoughts on working through the pain of the last 2 years, of losing my Mom...but if I write about it, it's like I'm living through it twice as much..does that make sense?

 

I've thought about writing a bit on the struggle, the journey, the experience I'm going thru to try and lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle....to work with D, to change my diet..but I'm not an expert and all I know is what I experience every day. 

 

I do know I've been wanting to share this...I've been working out with D now about 3 days a week, plus doing my own little workouts on days I don't see her, and I'd have to say, it is one of the best things I could possibly be doing for myself these days.

I know what your thinking...sure exercising is good for you...duh...but when most days feel so empty, and sad, and depressing, and like you can't imagine going on ...exercising has been one of things that saves me from those feelings. That and a little bonus I get with D in that each workout is sort of like a mini therapy session!  (thnx for listening girl!)

I tell D and my hubs all the time how much better I always feel when I'm done with my workout.

1. I've accomplished some challenging work

2. I continue to stick to my schedule with D

3. I've worked out some nervous energy, some frustration, some pain, sadness....

 

I think the 3rd reason I listed is the best one. It's - pardon my french - damn hard to get up every day and find it in you to workout when it's not really your thing..and trust me when I say it's not my thing...but I've come to find that it truly does make me feel better. In the long run of course I will be healthier and all that, but each day I do it and get it done, I feel like I can go home and accomplish what I need to get done...I feel good about myself, and feel proud of myself..mostly things I don't feel the majority of the time..

 

Believe me...on days I'm not really feeling it, the hubby always says "you know you'll feel better afterwards..." and believe me when I say sometimes I want to kick him when he says it..but it's true.

I'm here to say it really is true.

I'm hoping I'm turing into the kind of person that doesn't eat my way through stress and depression, but that I'm the kind of person that exercises my stress and emotions away!  It's tough stuff...but I have amazing people supporting me..and even if I didn't...I'd like to think I'm getting strong enough to support and motivate myself!

That's not easy for a person who is pretty hard on themselves most of the time...

 

So I guess that's where I'm at today...doing my best to get up every and day and just get it done.

It's my job everyday to get up and just work through the sadness and the heartache and do what I need to do for me.

I know that's what Mom would want me to do.

So I'll keep going...and hopefully so can you!

 

Whether we know each other or not..I'm supporting you and telling you, that you can in fact do it!

xoxo

 

ps. Check out the tea I've added to my (small) collection! D can tell you all about it HERE!

Just leaving you with some beauty.......

KELLY RAE ROBERTS - LOVE HER ART!

 

 

 



What's next??!?

So I've been MIA since I finished the cleanse...my apologies!

 

 

Things have been pretty good actually. I'd have to say, that my food intake has been much less than what it used to be. It really doesn't take much to get full anymore! That I'm loving! I'm thinking more about my what my portion sizes should be, and I'm continuing to think ahead and plan on what my meals should be, and try to make the best decisions I can when my meals may not be in my control.

 

For example: Dan and I took his grandma out for PIZZA this past Monday!

Not only was it a pizza place, but we got there just in time for the dinner pizza BUFFET!

Great right! However, D and I had talked that morning about my plan....drink a shake on the way, have a salad for dinner, and then have 1-2 small pieces of pizza if I wanted.

It was a great plan, and having talked it out, it truly made the decision on what to eat so much easier!

I had 2 small plates of salad, and 2 small pieces of pizza. Perfect! Oh, and water to drink!

 

I'm glad I had talked it out with D that morning. So by no means am I where I want to be, however I feel like I've overcome some hurdles!

 

My goals now are to continue to lose weight, workout regularly with D, focus on my portion controls and try to just have a balanced diet and put things in my body that are good for me! Oh and not eat when I'm stressed. Boy how I wish I was one of those people that DIDN'T eat when they are stressed, but I am........So, I'm just going to deal with it, and change the habit. I really don't have any other choice. I need to be healthy. I have way to many other things going on and way to much stress on me, so I don't need to add unhealthy-ness (is that a word????) to the pile! 

I guess we will just see how it goes...

 

So true right!!!  I have to tell myself this next time D is making me
do those darn up and down plank things...!!


xoxo!

 ps. I think I'm also free from the caffeine addiction! Since the cleanse I've only had coffee about 3 times, and its been decaf! Woo!

p.p.s. This is SO exciting!! - D started up her blog and wrote an awesome, informative article on Super Tea! Yep Super Tea! I know I'll be wanting it! Check out her "2 sense" HERE!!!! 



DAY 9 - I MADE IT!!!

DAY 9 - THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday was the last day of the cleanse...and today I am officially DONE!!!

My schedules from the last 9 days!

Yesterday was the hardest of them all I think! I just didn't want do it anymore! I woke up just wanting to eat. Just simply have a meal. I was hungry, and tired, and just done! It took everything in me to push through the day! But I did it!!!!

I can't believe I finished the whole thing and practically perfect too!
I feel really good about following through with the whole plan and sticking to the program, I've really never been able to do something like this my whole life!

Even though this cleanse changed me a bit physically, I think it changed my thinking even more.
I think it did give me a confidence in knowing that I can fight temptations, that I can have control and make good choices. That for me was almost just as important as losing a little bit of weight.
As nervous as I am in moving forward...I know I can do it. I know I can continue to make good food choices and work towards having a healthy lifestyle!!

Below are my final measurments! Officially I lost 10lbs. in 9 days!
D took some before pics, but I'm no where near ready to even look at them!

 

 

NECK
START: 14 - DAY 4: 13.5 - DAY 9: 13.25

UPPER ARM LEFT
START: 14.75 - DAY 4: 13.75 - DAY 9: 13.25

UPPER ARM RIGHT
START: 14.5 - DAY 4: 13.75 - DAY 9: 13

CHEST
 START: 48.5 - day 4: 49 (I was wearing a not so good sports bra this day) - DAY 9: 46.5 (I wore the same sports bra as I did on the start day!)

DIAPHRAM
START: 43 - DAY 4: 41 - DAY 9: 42.5

WAIST
 START: 49 - DAY 4: 46 - DAY 9: 45.5

ABDOMEN
START: 48 - DAY 4: 47 - DAY 9: 46

BUTT
START: 48 - DAY 4: 47 - DAY 9: 47

UPPER THIGH LEFT
START: 25 - DAY 4: 22.5 - DAY 9: 24.5

UPPER THIGH RIGHT
START: 24 - DAY 4: 22.5 - DAY 9: 24.5

CALF LEFT
START: 16 - DAY 4: 15.5 - DAY 9: 15.5

CALF RIGHT
START: 15 - DAY 4: 15 - DAY 9: Little under 15

UPPER KNEE LEFT
START: 18 - DAY 4: 17.5 - DAY 9: 17

UPPER KNEE RIGHT
START: 17.75 - DAY 4: 17 - DAY 9: 17


Well there they all are!  I'm really nervous about moving forward now. D and I have talked a lot this week about what the next step is..salads for dinner...don't jump back in, hold of a bit on dairy...portion control portion control portion control.....alcohol, I just cleansed out my system so do I really want to put it back in?!?

It's the snacking during the day that always gets me...however, I'm going to fill my house of up with fruits and lean proteins, lentils..beans..greens...the works! That will help with the temptations!


I know I'm not perfect, and I know I will make mistakes, and give in at times, and that's okay. I'm a work in progress...as we all are right!?

Thank you for all of the support, comments, and encouragement!
I appreciate it so much!




Huge thanks especially to D and my hubs...You each helped me so much in your own special ways
 and I know I wouldn't have gotten thru these last 9 days without you!

No matter what obstacles you are facing right now..big or small, you will make it through!
Sometimes it's taking it one moment at a time, and I know sometimes those moments are the hardest, but you will always get through them!

Cheers to the end of a new experience and the success that came with it!
Go me and go you!
Our dreams are worth it and the hard work does pay off!

 

Via

 With that I leave you...I'm pretty tired and can't wait to sleep!
Thank you again for keeping me motivated!

xoxo


DAY 7 & 8 - ALMOST DONE!

DAY 7 & DAY 8

 

Happy Tuesday!

 

I'm just going to jump right in because...well guys, I'm just done!

I'm ready to be done with this cleanse!

I knew these last 2 days would be just as hard as the first 2!

 

Yesterday was DAY 7, and the day went by so fast I feel like I hardly had time to even think about the cleanse! Yesterday was very long and busy, my shake for breakfast and lunch were on the road. My dinner, I was allowed 1, was going to be out. The thought of cooking was just a little too much for the hubby and I so we decided on going out. After trying to look up the nutritional info on a few restaurants we decided to eat at this awesome organic market/restaurant that just opened up.

That is one thing I can say Dan and I try to do when we want to go out to eat. It doesn't happen everytime, but we try. It's so helpful and I know I will make a better choice if I have a little more control!

 

My meal was a delicious Veggie Burger and Side Salad! OMG it was like the best meal I had had in days and days!!!!!  I was at a point where I just needed substance. Was it the best choice I could have made? Maybe, maybe not. But I just decided I was  not going to feel guilty about this meal!

 

 

 

Today on DAY 8 and going back to the full day liquid diet...last nights meal was so worth it!

 

Today was just hard. It was just hard and I'm glad it's done.

And I'm SOOO glad tomorrow is DAY 9!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Today I was just ready to give up, to simply give up.

It took everything in me to not.

 I just kept slugging along, but I was not happy.

How easy would it have been to cheat all day?!

It's always easy for me to just give in...

"this bite won't matter...it's only a small snack...I'm a little bit hungry handful of this..or that won't hurt.."

 

Do you know how many times I opened the fridge and pantry today??!

Like I said, I'm glad the day is done!

I am proud of myself for resisting the temptations today. It was A LOT of self talk, but I can now say, I did it. I was stronger than the temptations and I didn't let them beat me!

I feel like I don't get to say that very often so it really does feel good!

I'm glad tomorrow is DAY 9!

I'll take final measurements and weight tomorrow with D and finish out the cleanse!

 

I hope you had a good day and even if your night is ending with feelings of guilt or regret...

Just remember tomorrow is another day and you get a whole new chance to try again!

 

xoxo!

 

Again if you are interested in checking out the CLEANSE or to learn a little more about who my AWESOME TRAINER is...click HERE!!!

 

Via

 

 



DAY 6! - GETTING THERE!!!

DAY 6!

 

Hello hello readers, friends, family, and followers!

 

I hope you had a fabulous Superbowl Sunday Funday! What did you get to eat? Did you make any fun snacks?

I can say that this was the first Superbowl in, well years I haven't made anything! It felt so strange!

 

So I mentioned before that yesterday was a bit of a cheat day and this is why....

 

Like I had said, we got to bed pretty late the night before, so by the time I woke up Sunday morning and was functional....it was practically noon! Even my hubs was waiting for me to get up, which is very unusual! I'm normally up early on the weekends so to sleep in that late was quite a change!

By the time I woke up I was starving and knew I couldn't make up my breakfast and lunch shakes so I just sort of switched it up a bit.  I decided my lunch meal was going to be breakfast out with the hubs and just stay within my calories and skip the morning shake.

So cheat maybe #1. BUT, I had a good balanced meal and didn't even finish the whole thing! My meal looked a bit like this:

 

 

I struggled with making the choice to go out and even have this meal..but I was weak...and hungry..and a bit crabby...so the decision was just made.

I ended up eating...Just one slice of bread with a light spread of each jam (no butter of course!)

I drank only half of the O.J., had mostly water.

I ate almost all of the fruit, most of the eggs (I ordered 2 eggs, but they were Eggbeaters)

And only 1.5 of the turkey sausage patties with the tiniest dab of ketchup!

Just from all of that I was full!

Normally I could put down like a whole skillet...toast..coffee...water..sometimes O.J...

I was pretty proud of myself for not only ordering this but also for not finishing it all!

 

Here's the thing..I am a stress eater. I am an emotional eater. I have no control over my portions at times. I sometimes don't stop when I'm full. And I'm pretty good at making excuses for why it's okay to have...dessert..or one more bite..or an unhealthy meal..or a cocktail...

D would probably say I'm good at making excuses for why I can't work as hard during our sessions too! Although she doesn't le me get away with that and I just have to push through..but that's why I love her!

All of these things I just admitted to you..and said outloud to myself are NOT okay.

They are issues I need to address. Very important issues I need to address.

Trust me, I don't want to...I don't want to have to think about calories, or portions...I don't want there to be a "should we or should we not" conversation with Dan every time we want to go out to eat..I don't want to have to think about what kind of adult beverage I should choose...or not choose to have...

However.....I have to remember it will get easier. Like working out, it does get better...my down dog poses are getting improving...my calves are getting a bit looser right...so I guess with practice, good does will come of it. Change will get a bit easier...I just have to accept the fact that I may always have to work a little harder at making good choices...it may never come naturally for me, and it may always be a choice. I also have to except that I'm not perfect and that's okay. All I can do is try my best, and not be so hard on myself if I don't make the best decision every time.

This is part of what this cleanse is teaching me...to just take minute and think about the food choices I have to make..think about my timing and prepare so that I can be proud of myself and the decisions I've made at the end of the day.

 

It's so hard to do that isn't it..congratulate yourself for the good you did for you or even others..whether it be something small or something great. I feel like so many of us are too good at criticizing ourselves and beating ourselves up instead of patting ourselves on the back.

Well I'm for sure guilty of that.

And that has to change.

 

So back to breakfast...I made the choice to eat out, and then...I made the choice to eat dinner, not drink dinner.

Cheat #2.

This was my Superbowl splurge:

Carrots with Greek Yogurt for dipping (I added a little ranch seasoning and taco seasoning for flavor).

Leftover Turkey Chili Dan had frozen for us awhile back.

A handful of Goldfish crackers.

Half of a chocolate chip cookie.

Seltzer Water.

 

I should be proud of myself for that considering it was Superbowl Sunday!

So....one day at a time right? It's all we can do sometimes...we aren't perfect and we aren't always going go to make the best decisions..but when we make good decisions we should give ourselves the credit and just be happy for it!

 

So that was my DAY 6!

I'm so close I can't even believe it!

Thank you for all of the support I have received through comments and texts and Facebook messages! I wouldn't make it without the support of so many!

 

Sweet dreams and try to give yourself a break..and a pat on the back because you deserve it!

xoxo!

 

We all have it in us to make our dreams come true!!!
It just may take one day at a time!

 

 

 

 

 



DAY 5 - Struggling...

DAY 5

Happy Superbowl Sunday Funday everyone!
A day of eating...drinking..sitting around...and really all things not-healthy! 

I'll talk about Superbowl Sunday later but first I wanted to discuss yesterday. Which was DAY 5. 

Dear friends, it was tough. Really tough. 

I found myself yesterday hitting that wall I knew I would eventually hit.
I was crabby. I was tired. I was not motivated. I was crabby. I know I already said that but it was one of the things I was dreading most about this cleanse.  I didn't want to be crabby. It wasn't fair to Dan (my hubs!), or anyone else really! I tried so hard to be positive, fun, not down...motivated... and not cranky and short...

We did get much done yesterday and I did follow my shake/food regiment which I'm proud of!  We ordered the knobs for our kitchen cabinets and got some work done on them! But all in all I had a rough time getting through the day. I wasn't excited about my shakes...not my snacks and I really just wanted to be done with the whole thing.  I knew it was going to happen once the weekend came. 

The other part that was hard was that we decided to go out with friends last night. It was my choice. I had to get out of the house and just do something normal...but man, it wasn't pretty. 

My dinner, my one meal of the day was going to be eaten out, and after much consideration we chose a restaurant that had sushi on the menu. So I had a vegetarian roll and a cup of miso soup. It was delish and I felt satisfied! The hardest part wasn't the meal itself it was the not being able to enjoy a cocktail with dinner! 

When I told D I was going to go out last night, she said to drink the bubble water...so that's what I did with dinner too!  

We met with friends at a bar to watch a band, which was great and all, but the band was a like a 70-80's cover rock band, that only reminded me of my Mom..and a bit of my Dad (also not the greatest memories..), and I couldn't enjoy any adult beverages with my friends. 

It. was. rough. - To say the least...

It wasn't the best night of my life, but I can say that I made it through the whole night sticking with my bubble water and not having even a sip of alcohol! That in itself was an accomplishment for me! 

The only other problem was we didn't get to bed until almost 2a.m. and that seriously messed with my hunger pains! When we got home I had a bit of a low blood sugar thing going on so I had some crackers with peanut butter. I just had to do it. I didn't think it was going to ruin it all...

So all in all, the weekend has not been ideal, however, I have to tell myself this is not going to be my normal lifestyle forever...it's only 9 days and I can do this! I just have to finish I'm so close!  

So back to Superbowl Sunday!  

Come back to visit tomorrow to find out how I did today!  My schedule so far is a bit off, and I'm going to have a bit of a cheat day...not in the chicken wings...dips..and soda pop way of cheating though! 

I do get to hang out with this little bundle of sweetness below so I'm not all that worried!  

Have a great Superbowl Sunday!  

GO RAVENS! 

This is my sweet little

"niece" Hailey!

I introduced

Hailey 

HERE

about a year ago

and now she is 

almost 2!!

She continues

to be the one thing

that makes me 

smile everyday

and keeps me 

going!